


Until the Last Breath

by Tshilaba



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Cross-Generational Friendship, Depression, Drinking, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 17:16:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4188225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tshilaba/pseuds/Tshilaba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There will always be someone that will care until the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Until the Last Breath

"Sorry. You're just acting like a child. And you always go on about those Titans. It's really annoying, to be honest."

She blinked slowly as she watched them walk off. _...I...I'm acting like a child? How?_

Eren had always been so eager to help with her experiments. So willing to try anything she managed to dream up to test his shifter abilities. And Armin...that boy was always willing to listen to her ramblings, even when she'd worn Levi out. So...how? Was it all just a lie?

She bit her lip and turned away, feeling a lump rise in her throat. What was this feeling in her chest? They were perfectly entitled to walk away. They weren't bound to her in any way. So...why... Why did it hurt like this? They were just people, they--

"Oh, hi Squad Leader!"

She jerked to a stop, realizing she'd nearly walked into Sasha Braus. The Dauper girl was only a few centimeters shy of her own height, with a slim frame that belayed her large appetite. It was strange. She never really spent much time interacting with anyone other than Levi and Erwin, and later those two boys. She never really trusted anyone. Trust. That was such a tiny word, and yet it held such power...

Sasha tilted her head to the side, seemingly confused. "Squad Leader Hange? Is everything all right?"

She shook her head. Why was it getting hard to think? There was something else bounding around her brain at the moment and it was beginning to frustrate her.

"Is something the matter? Is there a way I can help?"

She didn't recall saying anything before turning away, but she must have, as the girl followed her nervously. She pulled a bottle of vine from the stores, one of Moblit's preferred labels, and took down two glasses before walking the rest of the way to her quarters, kicking her boots across the room and collapsing back against a bookshelf and letting herself slide down to the floor with an ungraceful fwump! She poured a glass half full of vine and slid it across to the girl as she settled down uncertainly before pouring herself a glass and setting the bottle down.

"Er, thank you, but I....okay."

"I just don't get it..."

The younger brunette looked up from examining the drink she'd been given, shocked. "...pardon?"

Hange shook her head and took a drink of vine. Why had she told the girl to follow her in the first place? It's not like she was going to trust someone she'd barely spoken to before. But she had no clue where Levi or Erwin were, and it wasn't as if they had the time to listen to her whine. "I'm an idiot."

The girl bit her lip for a moment, clearly nervous, before setting the untouched vine back down on the floor. "Squad leader, if I may..." she began carefully. When Hange glanced up, she went on, obviously picking her words as carefully as possible. "I don't know what makes you feel that way, and I can understand if you don't want to tell me, because, frankly, it's none of my business, but you're not an idiot. You're brilliant. If not for your research--"

"Research. Ha. Nothing but insanity put to paper." She drained the glass in a single gulp before refilling it. "My 'brilliance', as you put it, has been the cause of countless deaths of Survey Corps soldiers. Actually," here she laughed bitterly, "My brilliance lost Rico her squad as well. I'm surprised she still speaks to me..."

"Because she doesn't hold you responsible. Squad Leader, with all due respect, you're being far too hard on yourself. As soldiers we vow our lives to humanity, even at the cost of those lives."

"We're gonna die anyway," the scientist said. "All of us. But I'm gonna end up in hell for what I've done."

"I doubt that." She quirked an eyebrow at the older brunette's look of shock. "What? You believe the nonsense the wallists spout?"

"Of course not," she snorted. "Doesn't mean hell doesn't exist."

"That's true. But that doesn't mean you're going there. Squad Leader, you're always so kind to your subordinates. You don't treat them as pawns. You treat them as humans. Humans with loved ones, family, friends. You treat them how you want to be treated."

Hange downed the vine and wiped her mouth across the back of her hand before shoving her glasses into her hair. "All the kindness in the world doesn't purify a demon," she muttered, filling her glass again. "I offered you a drink."

Sasha sighed, pausing to take a few sips of the vine out of respect. "Why do you keep undermining everything I say?" There was just the slightest tinge of exasperation in her voice as the words left her lips and it brought the memories rushing back to Hange's mind.

_You're just like a child. You never listen._

She cringed and looked away. "That's what children do, isn't it?"

"Well, sometimes. But that isn't the point. The poi--"

"Isn't it?" Hange didn't care that she was interrupting the girl. The vine was slowly starting to lift her inhibitions and her pain was making it more and more difficult to care about proper social etiquette. "I never listen. I'm just like a child. I've lost track of the times Levi has had to come running after me like a parent chasing their rebellious brat. And none of it would have happened if I just listened to Erwin and stayed put. But _noooooooo_. I just had to go running after the Titan. I had to prove I knew what I was talking about. I don't know anything. I'm just a fool."

"No you're not." The girl's voice was surprisingly strong that time. "You try your best with the lot you've been given and that's all anyone can ask of you. If someone can't see that then _they're_ the fool."

The scientist stared into her glass for a few moments before downing it in a gulp. She filled the glass a fourth time and went to drink, but set it down instead. She shifted to cross her legs and leaned forward a little, staring at the floor as the thoughts battled for her attention. "If that's the case then...why..."

"Why what?"

She made a disgusted noise in her throat at her own weakness and leaned back again. Taking her glass once more, she started drinking, only to stop halfway and fling it against the wall in a rage.

The glass smashed against the wall and the pieces fell to the wooden floor, vine dripping down the wall like blood.

Sasha cringed as the glass shattered and looked at the squad leader worriedly.

"Levi's gonna kill me, making a mess for him to clean up again. But then again, that's just like a child to throw a fit and leave the mess for Daddy to clean up, isn't it?" She laughed bitterly. "Trust is such a shallow thing..."

"Hange..." She seemed more concerned with her squad leader's well being as the conversation progressed, even to the point of dropping the older soldier's title.

Hange looked away, feeling the tears stinging the corners of her eyes, burning in the back of her throat. "I trusted them. I trusted them and cared for them," she whispered. "I was a fool for doing that. They obviously didn't care for me at all..." The tears slipped down her cheeks and, for once, she lacked the will to stop them.

Sasha was reaching hesitantly towards her, seeming uncertain, but finally reached forward and wiped the pad of her thumb just under the older brunette's eye, across her cheekbone. "It's okay to be hurt," she murmured gently. "You trusted them with your heart, and they threw it right back at your feet when you refused to be what they wanted you to be. I, uh, I overheard a little. Sorry..." She looked away.

"Drop it," Hange said.

"Pardon?"

"Drop that accent. I know you're from Dauper. You can be honest with me."

"...I didn't want people to make fun of me..."

"I won't."

She looked up in shock. "Really?"

"Of course," she said, drying her eyes. "I look like shit right now. What right do I have to laugh at you? And even if I did, I wouldn't."

"Told ya ya were kind."

Hange laughed quietly. "Maybe. But maybe the kindest souls are the ones that hurt the most. Like yourself."

The younger brunette's cheeks turned crimson and she looked away in embarrassment. "I better clean up the glass..." she said, going to get up.

"No, stay," the scientist answered, reaching out and grabbing her wrist gently. "Please?" _I don't want to be alone right now. It hurts too much and I've already broken one thing tonight. I don't need to break anything else..._

Sasha nodded and sat down again.

~*~

The next morning, Hange regretted the three and half glasses of vine. Or, at the very least, their rate of consumption. She groaned and pulled the pillow over her head. Pillow? She bolted upright, clutching her head and cursing her own stupidity.

A soft laugh met her ears. "Don' worry. Ah jus' put ya in bed so ya didn' ge' a crick in ya neck."

Somehow, the girl's accent convinced her to relax and she laid back down. "Still hurts..."

"Ah know, Ah know..."

Soon enough, the room was dark again and Hange tried to find the source of the voice.

There was a sputtering noise and a candle burst into life, causing her to squint for a moment before her eyes adjusted to the light source.

"Sorry. Ah jus' woke up mahself."

She felt the side of the mattress depress beside her and found a smile making its way across her face. "You sound much better like that."

"Squad Leader...."

"When it's just us, call me Hange, okay? Or you can call me Zoe, I won't mind."

"R-really?"

"Mhmm." Simple words were easiest then, she found. Less to process, less to deliver. Her head was throbbing too much for much more energy expenditure.

"Here." The girl set the candle down on the bedside table and picked up a small glass of water and held it out to her. "Captain Le'i said this is how 'e treats ya hangovers. This an' tea, o'course."

"Tch." Hange pushed herself into some semblance of a sitting position and took the glass from her carefully. She stared down into it, where the bottom distorted the sheets. "...you saw Levi?"

"...Ah did, yeah. Was goin' ta the latrines, actually. 'E said he noticed one of Mis'er Moblit's bottles of vine went missing and figured somethin' happened."

"M'm..." She took a few sips of the water, trying to remind herself to keep from chugging it despite how dry her throat felt, before pausing. "What did you tell him?"

Sasha fidgeted with the loose tail of her shirt for a few moments before answering. When she did, her voice was soft, but Hange heard every word clearly. "...Ah told 'im that Eren an' Armin had said some thin's tha' hurt ya, so ya took the vine... 'E didn' ask anythin' else. Jus' tol' me ta take ya some water an' he'd brew some tea in'a bit an' bring it here...."

The squad leader nodded and took another, slow, sip of water, before setting the glass down on the bedside table. She rubbed her temples ruefully. "Nearly four glasses in less than an hour. I'm fuckin' mental, I am..."

The younger scout was silent, staring and her hands in her lap. "I'm sorry," she said finally. "Sorry I can't help you more..."

"Don't," Hange said. "You've helped more than enough."

Sasha sighed. "There were...some other things you told me last night...after you asked me to stay..."

The older brunette tilted her head to the side in confusion. "Like what?" The girl seemed apprehensive, almost as if she believed she'd get in trouble because she'd listened.

The girl fidgeted again, never lifting her gaze from her knees. She'd taken her hair down sometime during the hours, and it hung over her shoulder, obscuring her face.

"Sasha, please tell me."

Sasha sighed. "Ya kinda started drinkin' again after that...straight from the bottle...and you told me...that even though they hurt you, you still cared about them..."

"Well, that's the truth," Hange said when the younger girl trailed off into silence. "I do still care about them. As illogical as it is, I would forgive them if they told me they were sorry...and apologize if they let me."

"...you also told me you wouldn't stop loving them until you breathed your last..."

Hange froze, biting her lip anxiously. _The vine really did get to me..._ She would have never said that sober. Levi might could have weaseled it out of her eventually, but... "I'm sorry."

Sasha jolted. "No, I... Hange..." She let out a breath. "That wasn't were the conversation ended. Ah asked ya not to, yanno, take yer life over them... They're not worth it. Ah know ya care, but..."

She remembered now. She had said exactly that. But Sasha had also told her that she could live without them, that she had plenty of people that cared about her and would never willingly hurt her like they had. That it was okay to continue loving them until she drew her last breath, but to not give up the other things that were important to her, simply because she wanted to stop hurting, to stop loving them. She couldn't help the smile on her face, because she remembered the three words that had made her smile the previous night. _I care, Zoe._ She reached over and pulled the younger brunette into a gentle hug that caused her to squeak in surprise. _Thank you, Sasha._

Perhaps she would continue to love them until her last breath. But she had more important things to do than mope after people who didn't care. She had people who cared, and who would care until their last breath. And that was all the more reason to hold off on drawing that breath for as long as humanly possible.


End file.
